CHASING THE WIND (My very own Edward and New Moon story)

Although I love all the four books of Twilight Saga, there's one book that while I was reading it - past memories came back to me- and that is the book of Twilight Saga's New Moon. And because of that, it became my most favorite among the four. Why? Because it made me cry and it allowed me to cry. Sounds weird right? But it isn't weird when someone left you and you can't cry publicly because people might misjudge you as they can't understand your feelings. Then suddenly you were presented with something like a book that mirrors your deepest sorrows and it became a tool for you to cry without being guilty.

Reading New Moon allowed me to form "what if's questions" - just like: what if Bella was late and Edward was killed by the Volturi? What if Bella forgets Edward and marries Jacob? Again...I am starting to question destiny. Can we or can we not control it?

Just 4 years ago, my dearest friend who was like a brother to me suddenly died. It was so instant that I had a hard time putting myself back together. He was like a gift that was taken away from me. He fulfilled my desire of having a younger brother.After he died, I forgot how to live like an only child again. I often see him in my dreams - so that time, sleeping became a favorite hobby. There was one night I dreamed of him inviting me to come with him. I felt so lonely and depressed that I thought of dying as more satisfying than living. This day, I can survive by looking at his pictures. I am lucky to have them. I am afraid that I might forget his face. I hate myself for not quite remembering his voice anymore. Up to this day, I am questioning myself...what if I had given him my gift in advance (he died on his birthday)...would he still have died? would my gift save him from feeling depressed?

But what will happen if somebody left you and you don't have any pictures of him/her? And you're relying entirely on the strength of your memory? And we all know that memories can fade too... They say "out of sight, out of mind" It maybe right...but definitely not in my case.

For those following my blog, I am sure you would remember this post http://its-just-me-camille.blogspot.com/2008_06_01_archive.html

The above was a summary. Now let me tell you the "whole plot"

14 years ago, I saw a kid my age running down the stairs while combing his hair with his hand and I was sitting at the cafeteria about to eat my lunch. It was an instant attraction as he also resembles Jonathan Jackson - one of my first celebrity crush. I was too young then to determine if it's love at first sight. So let's just settle with the term "first crush". I watched him enter our school cafeteria together with two of his classmates- walked and stood in line to buy his lunch,walked again to find an empty table and sat in one of the empty chairs...he felt my stare and looked straight towards my direction just when I was about to lower my head - feeling embarrassed that he saw me staring. It didn't help that my girlfriends saw my reaction and teased me right there and then. We were both freshmen but he's from a different class. Later on, he was introduced to me. But I was too shy to look at him and so I didn't shake his hand. He would say hi to me but I was such a coward that I couldn't act friendly to him. He thought I was snubbing him and he acted snobbish too. Our paths would often cross and never did I regain my confidence to look at him but I knew and my friends would tell me that he was and always looking at me. To speed up the story...He was my first "major crush" and the reason why waking up in the morning and going to school became so much fun and interesting. He lived in my system for a very very long time. God knows how long. The feeling was new to me as I was only 12 going 13 then. What I can't understand up to now is why did I like him when I never really had the chance to know him or talk to him during high school. Perhaps because he's like a puzzle to me. Someone mysterious. Like a handsome book written in a foreign language. He's very aloof and "flirting" was not in his vocabulary. A common friend told me that he liked me too. Of course I didn't believe that. And I was not about to entertain that idea as the first rule of my parents before was - "no boyfriend-no crush" and I was bound to follow that rule. Also, I was not a fool to believe when unlike my other suitors he would not follow me like a puppy but instead would give me long penetrating stares every flag ceremony, in the math club where we're both members and whenever our paths would cross - and his stares would give me something to ponder for the rest of the day. His stare was so intent - like a lazer. I rarely had the chance or the courage to stare back. I was and still am not sure if he's doing that on purpose to make me blush or it was his idea of a joke then. Months passed and still he would not say hi or greet me with a smile. There was even a time he threw a small stone in my direction and when I looked up he was there...staring at me. His stare was not friendly. If looks could kill, I would have been dead long ago. But there were two incidents that were hard to forget. One time, he was running down the stairs while I was standing at the last two steps of the stairs. He was running so fast that he accidentally bumped me. I was about to fall down but he held me up and continued running without looking at me. Up to now I am finding that incident so weird. Although he didn't say sorry (which a normal person would do) I feet grateful that he saved me from falling. Then there was one time when our class and his went to this place to visit disabled and mentally retarded people. During the program, one patient pulled my arm. His intention was not to hurt me but to dance with me but he pulled me too strong and the pain caused me to scream...It happened too fast...the patient was pushed and my hand was pulled out of his grasp. When I looked behind to see the owner of the hand that pulled me...I saw it was his. I was about to say thank you but he walked away and stood in a far corner. Remembering it now...I would like to say he's very much like Edward Cullen...only he's not a vampire (as far as I know). I should have talked to Stephenie Meyer and shared this story). Anyway... I was sure my eyes were not fooling me...but he and his friend followed me and my best friend for the rest of the day. Every time I would turn around...He was there...staring. His actions were weird, scary and sweet all at the same time. And his actions confused me a lot. I was fighting the idea that he liked me. He wouldn't talk to me and he would scare me with his stare- still he would be available to save me when danger's just around the corner. I would not be a hypocrite but I did wish he would like me. But that wish soon evaporated when one time I saw him looking so angry while his best friend was mentioning my name to him. So then I told myself..."if he don't like me...i don't like him too"

Another incident was during the "Parent-Student Seminar". There was a game and all of us had to participate. In the middle of the game, I had to go where my mom was so we could both answer the questions. When I returned, I saw him sitting at my chair and looking at my name tag which I stuck on the side of my seat as I didn't want to stick on my shirt. As I come near...he stood up and walked back to where his chair was.

My freshmen year ended with us still not talking to each other. Still, i felt happy whenever he's around. Sadly, my mom transferred me to another school the next year as it would help me enter one of our country's top Universities when I graduated. Luckily, my new school was just near his house and everyday I would look out the window...hoping I would see him walking. Well I did see him a few times...and each time...my day would be extra bright and happy. There were cute and better looking boys in my new school...but nothing like him. I think I was being masochistic. (told you my story is very Twilight related). My friend who was left in my old school would often report to me. She said, he would often ask her how I was. And according to her he remained aloof and would only speak to few of his friends.

Days passed...and my thoughts of him began to wander...until our old driver came back to visit us. He teased me that I was already a young lady and no longer a baby. I just smiled and my smile grew bigger when he suddenly mentioned the name of my "scary-staring-is-his-hobby" crush. I was amazed because he knew the name when it was a taboo at our home as I was afraid of letting my parents know I was having a crush already. Our driver used to pick me up at school and he said...my scary crush would sometimes come up to him and asked a few things about me. My eyes almost came out of their sockets when he said "mr. mysterious" had already visited our home - unfortunately nobody's around.

Couple of years passed and I met him again...who knew we would end up in the same University. It was one late Friday afternoon and I was hiding from one of my suitors who couldn't understand what "no" means. I was standing on the top floor when suddenly...like a ghost he was there. I was too shock and I think he was too...so shock that I forgot and again didn't find the courage to say "hello" to him. As usual he did not greet me...and he recovered easily from his shock so I thought he didn't recognize me and that's understandable. That's what I thought...

He did recognize me...because like what I wrote in my post before...he sent me a text message.

And you all know that...I lost my phone

And since then I've been thinking "what happened to him?"

After 7 years...I got the answer.
Life can be funny sometimes and destiny can be "tricky"

He is now happily married and with a pretty daughter. He married the friend of my best friend.
Small world indeed.

Like a ghost...he came and left
Or was it I who left? Everybody's saying it was I and not the other way around.

After knowing his current status...my "feelings" for him evaporated...just like that.
So then I concluded that it wasn't love at all. Or maybe I did love but it was not the reason why I searched for him...it was out of habit. A puzzle that I've been trying to solve. It was the mystery that attracted me. I was just confused as I thought it was something deeper. Or maybe because I have long gotten over him and searching for him was just part of a daily routine. He's just a childhood crush and no more than that.

Unlike Bella...I did not end up with my very own Edward.
Because "Jacob" might be the right one for me.









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