Wednesday, January 11, 2012
How are you?
It's been a long time...
I haven't written you a note for many months now...
I can't pray
I don't know what to say...but ask you
Why did you allow that great wave of sadness to hit me
when I was not ready
I feel numb
Too hurt to feel anything
Sometimes I would whisper you a silent thanks
for helping me survive a day...
for letting me live my life as if it's still the same
for my parents
for few friends...
thank you for letting me have them
Please allow me to keep them
God, can you still remember the time when I was still a student?
My life revolved around books
All I cared about was to get good grades
To stay on top of the class
To know the answer right away when asked
To crave for knowledge and
To fill my brain with interesting facts
I was an ideal student
I knew I was...and you know that.
I would start my day asking you for wisdom
I would end my day thanking you for giving me enough
I would proudly display my list of grades on my father's table
and although appreciation was not always available...
I did my best... for myself
For I was expecting a bright future
A straight path towards success
Everyday, I would wake up thinking about school
No care for the day if it's sunny or gray
I would arrive home thinking of what I learned that day
Would kiss my mom and dad
Would give a brief story about the day
Would give our three dogs a pat on the head
If there's time, I would stop long enough to give them a scratch
Would not know if they were sick...if they ate or when was their last bath
Not that I didn't care...It's just that...I was busy.
Would eat some dinner and
would spend the rest of the night studying
Would not stop until I hear my mom's stern voice
telling me to sleep
It's late. And I need to rest.
I would then remember to pray
and thank you for another day
Did I spend time with my parents?
If eating dinner together would count...then yes
My dad would often help me in my assignments
My mom would bring me to school in the morning
and would pick me up at night
Did i spend enough time with them?
Now I know I did not...not enough
I am an obedient daughter. You know I am.
But obedience cannot compensate for time.
You were good to me
and you blessed me
I finished my course
and I graduated with honors
Was I happy while I was on the stage?
Happy was not the word
But I was satisfied to see my grandpa on the stage
with me and my dad
I was satisfied to see my mom's smile on her face too.
Was I happy?
I was smiling... but Lord, you know I was scared.
And there I was...standing inside an office.
Looking excited...but my palms were sweating
It's my first day at work. My first job.
and I was wearing my finest black business attire
and new high heeled leather shoes
On my shoulder was my first office leather bag
All my new things were of good quality
Except my heart...I was nervous.
Confidence left me inside a room full of strangers
Days passed and I realized that the corporate world was not how I expected it to be
True that there are a lot of coffee breaks, cigarette breaks, restroom breaks
meetings with the boss, meetings with the colleagues, meetings with the clients
A lot of moments to talk and a lot of moments wasted.
But really...who am I helping? what am I getting?
My books suddenly became useless tools.
My mother is right...no book could tell you exactly
how to live life or to survive it
I was a fool for believing that as long as a person would always be good, smart
and hardworking then the path to success would always be straight
Not in this world anyway..
When I was in school, I met a lot of insecure bullies
Still, I didn't see them as bad. They just lack attention.
At work, I met a different kind of people
They are smart and they wear decent clothes
but they are not at all gentle and friendly
I don't call them war freaks. Naughty is not the right word too.
Naughty is cute and they are not.
They are just simply...bad.
I learned the literal meaning of the word when I met them.
Immorality is now too common and perceived to be not a sin anymore
Sadly, there are people like them everywhere
and they are accepted
Powerful men and women who use money to control another being
A stack of paper bills can get them what they want
Money is their magic wand
Obviously, there are weak people who are willing to sell their souls
for they thought life here on earth would be better
if they attach themselves to these so called powerful ones
People stay weak because they allow themselves to be...
I sometimes wonder, if these people are orphans?
No mom or dad to teach them some manners?
No grandparents to remind them of their values?
Is integrity and principle not as important as before?
The word thank you is often said without sincerity
And the word "I am sorry" is rarely heard
Those who say they are poor are no different to those who have money
Rich and poor...their thoughts are almost parallel
They are greedy...always envious of others.
They are never content. They always want more
They say "I want that" or "I want this"
They take advantage of others who are weak
of those who can't fight against them
of those who can't speak
How different is a wise to a fool?
The other think first before doing something wrong
and then pretend that what he did wrong is the right thing
The fool never think. He just do whatever he believe is right
without realizing that it is wrong
Lord, why create such new version of humans?
A version without a heart...
Not that I know better...But I do prefer the older version
Please make sure to give each one of them a heart full of compassion
It's a lot harder now to find a man who is truly merciful, loving and caring
Someone who judges fairly
Someone who will not think twice to share his blessings
like giving half of his sandwich to a street kid
or helping an old lady cross the street
Someone who will stop and listen to his heart
Someone who knows you...
Someone who is good...
It's easier to accept a man who is rude
than a cruel person who fears no one...not even you
How sad to know that even the fiercest animal of the forest and of the sea cannot do anything to fight small beastly men
So sad...but what can I do?
I am just like them. Human.
Everyday I am with them
Everyday I am tempted to imitate what I see
and throw away my values...
seems it's not useful anymore
what would I gain?
Right is now mixed up with wrong
And just when I was starting to act like them...think like them
You sent me a big-pure-white-fat-fluffy-persian-cat
and his name is Snowball
Instantly, he caught my heart just when I was about to lose it
He is the most handsome cat I've ever seen in my life
His eyes on some days are the color of a rising sun
yellow and bright
On days that it's green, i think of my favorite island
Two marble eyes that could speak any language
His nose the color of sweet cherries...
sometimes pink...but often red
As small as a button
I kiss it softly everyday
I kiss it many times each day
His paw is as big as a fist of a human baby
(If I could, I would hold it all the time)
His fur is as white as snow
softer than cotton
I love white
I love snow
I love winter
because I love this cat
Though he got my heart in a blink of an eye
It took days before I gained his trust
After all...He was not originally mine
My grandma owned him first
But I think you heard my wish
when I told the stars...I wish he's mine.
My grandma called and asked me if I like Snowball
I said YES!
She told me to come and take Snowball
Home...with me...He'll be mine
Thank you God, for listening to my quiet prayer
Now I know that you hear whispers and wishes too
On our way home...he's so scared
Would look and stare at me...with those pleading eyes
maybe he was thinking "Who is this stranger? Where is she taking me?
Trying my best to comfort him, I touched his left paw and said
"Hi, baby...I am your mommy now"
When we got home, although nothing's really changed
except for the arrival of this handsome cat
I knew my life would never be the same
and I am not the same person anymore
Our home is his home now. He is ours
I want to take care of him
Lord, remember my promise to you that I would give him the best care?
I kept that promise
I started by finding a safe place for him to sleep
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