Tuesday, July 28, 2009
I have a cough and barking like a dog
But I don't care...Ice cream makes me happy!!!
But to forget MJ's death and move on...i think I need to eat 100 buckets of ice cream.
Currently watching his private home videos. Yes, while at work. But hey, I did finish all my paperworks today. I am just having a break and a snack.
Want some ice cream?
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Sunday, July 26, 2009
- Couldn't decide at first whether to watch My sister's keeper or just have a delicious pasta and pizza at Don Henrico's. The movie based on Jodi Picoult's novel seemed to have a very nice and touching story. But, I was not in the mood to cry and absorb any more sad emotions.
- My "fickleness" attacked again and I decided to watch My sister's keeper at the last minute. After all, it would be good for me to cry...at least I would have a "valid" reason why I have the sudden need to release excess waters from my eyes and nobody would tease me that it's because of MJ's death again.
- I was right, My sister's keeper is a very very sad movie. Did I cry? No. My eyes watered a bit but not a tear dropped. Because the two questions that formed in my head while watching the movie was far stronger than my emotion- why do good people die ahead of bad people? why do death come to those who seek life and but not to those whose life is worthless and death is the only hope?
- Ordering a pizza at Don Henrico's to go with the movie would take 20 minutes. And I made the decision to watch My sister's keeper 10 minutes before the start. So, we just ordered a pizza at Greenwich. Did it taste great? Too much tomato ketchup and very few cheese and the crust was burned. I finished eating a slice with my pouting mouth.
- I used my brand new Crocs. I am a big fan of Havaiannas. I only bought crocs to compare the two. I adore comfortable shoes. My feet couldn't take leathers. Although I would be willing to sacrifice a few hours just for "office attire's sake" Sneakers and flip flops are my feet's favorites. I love Crocs' designs. Very fashionable and not too "plasticky". It could be mistaken for a real shoes. I bought a pair of "ballet flats" which said to be their newest design. On the other hand, Crocs is actually a bit overrated. Havaiannas is still my no.1. I wouldn't trade it even for the latest Nike sneakers unless it's the new black cortez.
- I went to two record stores. I looked at MJ's albums (as usual). It's comforting to see his albums. If possible, I would like to buy all. I'd like to make a tiny confession. One of my childish dreams was to meet Michael in person and ask for his autograph and probably visit Neverland! I could still remember the time when I begged my parents to allow me to see his concert in Manila but they wouldn't let me because I was too young and there were so many people. They were afraid there would be a stampede or similar thing like that. I locked myself up in my room - making tantrums and pouting all day.
God has been faithful to me - all the time. He made most of my dreams come true. Most came true...some did not and meeting MJ was one of my unfulfilled dreams.
- I came home and found my mom clutching a brand new DVD of MJ. (Gosh! we're a family of MJ fanatics) We watched the DVD till 2am.
- I realized that Jolla's slipping from my mind and I am not making an effort or whatsoever as of the present time. Would he mind? He's busy (as always) and I am sure he knows he's still very much appreciated, remembered and cared for. And I would always love the Ryu family.
- I got a letter from my very first best friend. She loves Twilight too!!! Well..that's why we're best friend. She's living in Canada together with her family and she will be coming back for vacation this December. I am so excited!!! She left for Canada right after my debut. So, to be honest I am not sure how our meeting on December will be like. Will we hug each other? Are we going to cry? I am sure we're going to laugh a lot and maybe we'll eat Mc Donald's french fries or Jollibee spaghetti like we always did when we were kids.
- I am a single mother. I did all my weekend responsibilities and duties. I bathe my three dogs but not my cat. He's sick. He's been vomiting and suffering from diarrhea. I've been nursing him for a week now. The weird and funny thing is, he eats a lot! It's like he doesn't know he's sick. He runs around the house and play on his own. He's always hungry and he won't eat unless I spoon feed him. Yes...he's my baby. I am worrying for my cat and for my wallet. Gosh, it's really expensive taking care of pets. Food, vitamins, grooming, doctor fees and toys. But I don't mind spending because my pets make me smile...all the time even during my lowest points. My life as an only child is not all fun and good things. It is sometimes if not often lonely.
- I did some groceries for our store. On the counter there was this lady who kept on staring at me and when I was about to pay with my credit card, she leaned so close on my side and watched me while I was signing the receipt. It's not the first time. I think it was a month or two ago when a lady took a step near me and looked at my grocery items. While waiting for my turn, I took a magazine from a rack and read. The lady leaned even closer and read the magazine over my shoulder. Talk about weird experiences.
- We went to our church. As usual, I am happy to be inside our church. It's huge, clean, cool, peaceful and the seats are comfortable. The interiors are well designed. It's like being inside a theater or a plush auditorium. And most of all, I love our Pastor. He's warm, smart, sweet and funny. Everytime I see him, it's like I am seeing Santa Clause hehe. Not just because of the body size (just teasing)but because of his friendliness, kindness and cuteness :) He's been my pastor ever since I was 8 years old.
- My mom treated my dad I to Don Henrico's. It's her early birthday blowout.She knows I am craving so much for a Four Cheese Pizza. So we ordered a large size of it, classic carbonara and baked mussels. This time, it's my mouth that watered. I ate a lot. So much...I think I would not eat pasta and pizza for the next two weeks or so. hehe.
- I cleaned my room and did my other duties at home
- I opened my pc and I watched MJ's bloopers and behind the scenes. Even the paparazzi videos. His laugh is so adorable and pure. I love hearing him laugh. There was this video where he can't stop laughing. It's infectious! I can't stop laughing too. He's a natural comedian :)
Currently doing: I just finished watching Oprah's interview with MJ. He's very honest and open.My mom said, my dreams were quite similar to MJ. Because I often tell my parents that when I become a billionaire, I would buy a land and I would have my own Amusement park and I will play all day everyday. I would also get all the stray dogs and cats. I would give them a home and feed them. Because my heart breaks everytime I see a stray dog or cat ran over by vehicles or those who were left in the street without anything to eat.
Right now, I am now searching "Living with Michael Jackson" videos.
I am sure my friend would tease me again and again right after reading this blog.
Please...just let me grieve.
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Thursday, July 23, 2009
Well, after days of thinking about him, I finally figured it out. I now know why I can't accept he's gone. Because I have thought of Michael Jackson not as a human being but a Superhero...a fictional character...someone like Superman. Someone who would not and could not die. I expected him to be always there. Subconsciously, I thought I would die earlier than him...and my future kids would see him and would dance to Billy Jean. Well, don't blame me. Michael Jackson was so great. His talent was unbelievable. No words can fully describe him--same way when you see nature. In simple words, He is God's creation. I forgot he's a person who has an end. Silly? Yes. I thought it's really silly of me to see him as a superhero. But in a way, he is like a superhero right?
Okay, now that I figured it out. I can accept his death.
Only, I read some article from derekclontz.com that MJ is still alive and living in Hungary.
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Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I am dizzy, my eyes are aching, my fingers are tired and my brain might shut down any minute now. I am exhausted. And I feel weird to be exhausted when I'm not really doing anything strenuous - I am just sitting in front of my computer, reading my friends' messages and making a reply to each one of them and answering about a dozen survey sent also by my "loving" friends. I only answer because at the end of the survey there's a warning "forward and send this back immediately or you will have bad luck for 3 months"--yeah right. This is the effect of joining and owning several social networking sites.
Back in 2003, a friend of mine invited me to join Friendster and so I did. It's fun and I really enjoyed having a page because I get to interact with my friends and loved ones without actually seeing them. It's like "multi-tasking". I can do my office work while chatting to one of my girlfriends (children don't do this when you grow up hehe). It saves time and it strengthens the friendship because communication is always there. Also, it's really fun and amusing to read the profiles of my friends and also of other people who I am not close but met one time in my life. It's also through Friendster that I found my long lost friends...way back from nursery. It's enriching to see them all grown up, happy and successful. We look at each others pictures and laugh after discovering that we just grew old but we still looked the same. Over all, I am happy and satisfied with Friendster and I plan to keep it forever if possible.
The thing is...when myspace was introduced, most of my friends joined it and invited me too. Then multiply came up and they joined it also. Hi5 became the talk of the town and they joined and sent me an invitation. Now, Facebook is a hit and almost all of my friends created a page and one of my "closies" begged me to join and so I did. Twitter came and...................you guess it right.
And you know what....there's really no difference at all. Well, perhaps an added feature, but still the same.
Messages come to me via different social networks, so I have to open each account.
Friends, I care...but could we just stick to one?
It's like moving from one home to another...
Traveling from North to South
I can't keep up!
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Sunday, July 19, 2009
Look what I found!
So, I expect Edward Cullen would say "Annyong Haseyo" to Bella Swan in Biology class and she would say "Kansahamnida" to him right after saving her life.
It will be so interesting to hear Edward saying "Sarangheyo" to Bella.
Hmmm...with that, I wonder if Vampires like Kimchi? or perhaps Bella's blood would smell Kimchi to Edward.
The power of language.
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The scary life of being a good person happens when you tend to trust easily and believe everything presented to you when in fact it's nothing but lies. You walk with a blindfold, trusting people around you that they will guide you to the right path of triumph. And when another concerned person took that blindfold out of your eyes, instead of appreciating the light, your eyes would hurt and would search for the dark--would continue on your walk - thinking that the people you trust are still beside you, not knowing that you are already at the edge of a cliff and that one more step and you'll fall...alone...to die.
I found Lisa Marie Presley's blog and again I am consumed with emotions.
Poor Michael...he should have listened. I would love to give him a spank. A very hard one.
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Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Turns out I am not the only zombie in the house. My mom and dad are both having their “grieving moment” in their own ways. My mom who is a self proclaimed MJ fan eversince "Ben" days ordered and bought several MJ Concert DVDs and I caught my dad whose eyes are always glued to Federrer's games, watching MTV because of their tribute to MJ - and all along, I thought I was the only one affected with his death in the family. But no...even my grandparents are affected too. Anyway, my mom was lucky enough to found a copy of Michael's Live in Bucharest concert and last monday night we stayed up till 3am watching it. I woke up with a huge smile and the biggest eye bags...
The concert was...
It gives a surreal feeling and
Michael Jackson was:
He's just so great! If not the greatest, he's the best!
And I haven't realized this before but actually, MJ is really sexy. He has this sexy appeal that you can't ignore--perhaps that's why ladies can't stop oggling him so I am wondering why the gay issues came up. It's nonsense. And he's really cute...in a very special childish way.
And his dancers? I never payed attention to them before but now that I took time to notice, they were really... AMUSING! I had a stomach ache because I laughed too much while watching their "Beat it" dance number. Imagine "tough and scary" looking guys swaying their hips and swinging their legs...isn't that hysterical?
Last Monday night, I forgot for a moment that Michael is gone...
It's really hard to imagine.
I think it will take months and months before this fact will sink in to my brain.
In the meantime, I will enjoy the memories I have of him...
The saddest thing about death is it's also the time when you realize how much you like and love the person and how much you appreciate the good things about him...only he's gone already and there's no way he can know about it anymore.
It's raining today...
and I still have a few buckets of tears to pour.
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Sunday, July 12, 2009
“He’s gone…really gone and is not coming back anymore”.
I am completely not myself last week and maybe this coming week too and God knows when will I be back to being normal. I am losing sleep because of Michael Jackson- watching his old videos, searching the net for news, pictures and anything about MJ. I am a zombie. “A grieving-and-always-lying-down-or-sitting-and-staring-up-in-heaven zombie”. I don’t want to talk to anybody unless there’s no choice and I have to pretend that I am in a perfect state and enjoying life as it goes. I wasn’t like this when Princess Diana and Francis Magalona died. And it’s impossible for me to mourn the death of Elvis Presley and John Lennon, two icons whose popularity existed before I was born although I can now sympathize with their fans as I am now also grieving the lost of someone I adore. All I want to do now is think, think, think, read, read and read and play, play and play with my cat and three dogs—the four innocents who I am sure will never hurt me and will always be true to me. I am in a box. I voluntarily put myself in a box and don’t have any plan of coming out anytime soon. I can’t say I am in a cage because nobody locked me up. I am in a box and I have a choice whether to close the lid or push back the lid. Right now, I choose to keep the lid closed. Others might say I am depressed or dealing with some problem. But keeping to myself right now is actually a very comfortable and safe zone to be in. Others might say it’s not healthy and that socializing is an important factor of life and I agree but “do these others really know what’s best and good for me?” Do I have to live my life seeking the approval of everybody? If I say I am content and happy in this box, will they understand and finally leave me alone? Or will they ridicule me? They may say I am different and living a weird life, but is being the same with everyone else the right thing to do? Says who? If I give, will others expect me to give continuously without fail and not keeping something for myself? If I live like a good person, not hurting anybody and following all the laws of the earth, will I still have to please everyone around me? Will they still call it “weird and strange” if somehow I did something that makes me happy but violates their expectation? Is there really a rule that says “you have to be the same and live like everyone or else we are going to send you to Mars?” Can I only gain acceptance by living a life similar to everyone?” Perhaps these questions were the same ones that Michael Jackson thought of when he’s still alive. I understand him. I totally and completely understand him. If only there’s a way I could contact him in Heaven, I would tell him “Michael, I understand you and thank you for being you.”
Michael Jackson’s death gave me a shock. A jolt. The sound of an alarm clock that has been shut off and thrown many times but now is ticking and ringing again awakes me with a start.
For many days, I refused to believe that he is dead. I can’t put my head round the idea that he’s gone. I don’t know him personally and he’s not my relative and he’s clueless up to his death about me too—he’s just a man who can do a smooth and faultless moonwalk that I can’t imitate, whose body is that of a skilled dancer, whose voice is both soft and sexy, whose smile is pure and mesmerizing, whose laugh is like that of a child, who talks shyly, walks gracefully and who changed his appearance from a "curly,flat and blak” to a “straight, pointed and white” whose clothes are as grand and different as he is and whose love life is as dramatic as any sad love story on TV—from falling in love to a daughter of an icon to a nurse of his dermatologist. A man whose songs I often hear on the radio, whose albums I buy with the money I saved from my piggy bank, whose MTVs I often look forward to watch up to this very day because it’s all entertaining and magnificent. He is the man who when performing on TV, I will remember to praise God for His marvelous creations such as this man whose talents are amazing, unique, entertaining and unbeatable. I am a fan and I realized it more after his death. I never joined any of his fan clubs and I didn’t go to his Manila concert because I was only 12 years old then but whenever there’s a negative write up about him such as child molestation, gay issues, and other more disgusting articles—I treated all those as nothing but “rubbish”. I didn’t believe. I ignored them. But not to be a hypocrite, I had once doubted his gender because there came a time when he looked more like a woman than a man. I even saw a picture of him wearing a woman’s clothes. Recently, I found out from news that he wore woman’s clothes to disguise himself so that he could go out in the public without being recognized. Regardless of that, I decided it didn’t matter whether MJ is gay or not. His personality and his contribution are much more important. Glad to know I made that decision because Michael Jackson after all is not gay. I would have been foolish if I believed all those sadistic write ups.
Michael Jackson is just a pop singer. But when he died, it’s like a part of me have died with him. The memories of my childhood is now suddenly blurred without him around. He's a friend who communicates with me thru my radio and discman with his music. He would give me a wave or send a flying kiss and sometimes he would even tell me "I love you" when he's on TV. When my close friend died in 2005, I was so depressed and I cried and still crying up to now. He died with anger and hurt in his heart because of people who can’t understand him and simply let him be who he wants to be. But his death although it was as shocking as Michael’s death, it didn’t push me to think deeply and make some reflections. Instead, I just blamed those who need to be blamed. Michael’s death on the other hand is a wake up call. Michael gave so much to people. He did so much. He gave his best. He did everything he could to please his insatiable fans. In return he received millions of applause, standing ovations and praises. But not all of the millions stayed during his dark days. There were those who ridiculed him. They were disgusted and they laughed at him. Some even called him ‘Wacko Jacko”. They see him as strange and weird. People even questioned his way of parenting. They said Michael is putting his kids in a cage and they don’t have any life outside. Well, perhaps just like I, Michael prefers to keep his kids in a box where they can create their own world full of happy, wonderful and beautiful things…away from the misery, horrors and monsters of the real world. Michael’s life was questioned. He was beaten with hurting words. He was insulted and stoned with false accusations. People took advantage of his weaknesses. Yet…he did not talk back. He stayed quiet and lived in his own world with his children—but that world was taken from them too. They took “Neverland”—Michael’s world. People are so cruel, selfish and prejudiced. I refused to believe that being selfish and judgmental is part of our human nature---but if it’s true then I rely on conscience. Although there are some who lives without a conscience anymore---such as those tabloid writers who are telling their readers that MJ killed himself intentionally because he wants to escape his debtors and that he is not really the biological father of his kids. They just won’t shut up! They are numb to see that the man who they are calling strange and weird is a much better man than them.
For days, I was in denial. When I saw Michael’s gold casket…all I asked was “Is that really him in there?” My hairs on every part of my body stood up as the choirs sing “No more crying, we are going to see the king.”—hopeful words. And at the time, I really do want to see the king. Perhaps it’s the same song the angels are singing in Heaven whenever God would appear to them. While watching, I couldn’t bring myself to believe that it’s his memorial service. I felt it was a concert and that the casket was just part of the presentation—that any minute Michael would get up from the casket and make his grand entrance just like he always does in his concerts. But two hours passed and he still didn’t get up. He stayed lying on the casket. He is gone. He is dead. He never fails to stun his audience…even up to his death.
It was said that his concert would be a way to revamp his career after his darkest days brought about by those who accused him of molesting a child. But God knew better. He knows Michael Jackson is the greatest performer who ever lived and he don’t need to prove that to anyone anymore. I couldn’t accept his death. I have so much questions. But then as I think about him, I realized that MJ's mission is already done. He is a wonderful gift given to us by God. But MJ suffered so much pain while he was here on earth…and to answer my question, I think God took MJ to save him from all the pain, sorrow and humiliation of this world and bring him to Heaven where he can finally be at peace, happy and dance forever. God would be in charge of punishing those who needed punishment for vengeance is His alone.
Realization also hit me, for I too am living to please others and often giving up those things which could really make me happy. I am always careful of other people’s feelings but they are never careful with my own feelings. I often give more than I can manage. And how many bad things did I hear....enough for me to suffer in silence and be discouraged. Michael’s death is a wake up call and I realize I am growing old but not fully enjoying my life because more often I think about others first before myself. And I tend to be affected by people who speak badly about me. But who else would faithfully love me besides God…I and I alone.
If before I am striving hard to have a successful and long life and live according to people’s expectations. Now, I will try to make my life a happy and contented one no matter how short it will be. Perhaps a short life is preferable. People are cruel. Life is hard. Death is easy.
I will laugh and run and see the world in the eyes of a kid.
I will love truthfully
I will continue hoping
I will not stop dreaming.
I will be different. (I love this saying “they laugh because I am different, but I laugh because they are the same”)
And I will be a good person and I will love the world…even if others will not.
I will be like a child just like MJ.
I love Michael Jackson and I will always be thankful that I was born on his era and I got to hear him sing and watch him dance. I am proud to say, I am luckier than the future generation…for I doubt there will be anyone out there who could surpass or even match Michael Jackson.
Michael Jackson is dead—I will soon (or not) accept that and believe.
I will surely miss him.
Perhaps on my next blog, I could write with a much happier tone.
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